..this valentines day would have been better if we’re together..:'(
IMAGjE Photography –
I`ve discovered that a relationship is something that lives and grows.It requires attention, passion and understanding.It has its ups and downs but sometimes, the difficulties make it stronger than ever.
I have grown as a person because of you and you have grown as well.I became interested with many things because you`re interested with them.Now,I am more sure of myself because i know you will accept me for whoever I am and whatever i`ve done.You have brought out the best in me and I brought out the best in you.We had shared a lot of thoughts and happiness which anybody can ever surpass.And the more that I know you,the more i discovered something new about you.
As what i am sure of myself right now that i will love you even for the next hundred years.For eighteen months of going steady,I am now at ease to share my life with you for the rest of my life.
Now, I have to admit that i fell in-love twice;First, was with you and the second was the person you became when you were already mine.
“ You’ve been eating a lot these past few days, didn’t you?”. –Please, don’t say things like this on her, she can’t take that as a joke either. She’ll probably be on diet pills or losing weight exercise the next day. And just because of that statement she will be paranoid about her weight. “You don’t look pretty”. Same with this. This will make a girl loose her confidence on herself. That’s the reason we cannot blame those girls who like to put make-up on their face. They just want to look good for the guy they’re with. “Damn! That girl is so sexy”– certainly nobody will like hearing that coming from a boyfriend, and even after it you’ll just tell your girlfriend that it was just a joke. That’s not even funny. “you know what, my ex”– oops, though she’s interested and even she will know something about your ex. She will end up comparing herself to that person in your past.
“stop crying like a baby, okay?” – guys should be more sensitive in this case since most of the women are too emotional, so instead of fighting back they will just sit and cry. “you’re friends are boring”– never tell her this because she just want you to meet the people who really know her. It’s her way of being proud of you.
I guess I got carried away. But who wouldn’t? And who wouldn’t be scared?
When you’ve been struck by a dream that the one you truly love and prayed to be with forever has fallen in love with someone else, it’s really horrifying. Trust, respect and love would make a relationship, specially a long distance one to survive. No matter what happened, no matter how unbearable it is to be denied to have the luxury of enjoying one another’s company. So why am I afraid?
With the advent of internet, meeting people around the globe bombarded the lives of those who are looking for a little bit of adventure to add up some spice to their lives, specially those who are working far from home. Gone were the days of telegrams and love letters and Mr. Postman. A lot of people meet and fall in love with the help of the internet. Maintaining a long distance relationship is not that hard as well. But I can’t help but accept the fact that there are more beautiful, more intelligent, more sweet and more understanding than I am. And I also can’t help but sometimes think that the love of my life would stumble with someone better than I am. Yes, I am feeling insecure sometimes and I admit it.
But inspite of that insecurity I would still steadfastly hold on to my faith. And would still believe that true love still exists and that it would move mountains and topple any hindrances for its fulfillment. Because I know that someday, somehow, somewhere I would meet that one true love whom I can share my life even beyond forever.
Then a name entered my mind and then a smile.I think there’s no need to find that someone or wait for another lifetime to come because I already met him…and he loves me as well.
“I LOVE him – IN SPITE OF.
AND WILL CONTINUE TO RESPECT HIM – DESPITE OF.”
While looking at the mirror, I saw his reflection. Suddenly, it drifts away. All my life, HE comes and HE goes. So sudden, like it always has been.
Mostly, he spends his time on himself or with a few friends, but NEVER with ME. Maybe he just needed the space apart from mine, occasionally contemplating on – WHAT WENT WRONG?
I did ask the same question myself. “What really went wrong? (sigh)
and while I too, continues to find the answer, I tend to lose him more.
I missed him all my life. He was never there for me. PAPA.
I could still remember his smile though – nothing of the usual spark. Like me, he is SHY. (At least, it’s the very one thing we’ve got).
Early on, he taught me MATHEMATICS. It’s the very first lesson I learned from him which he wasn’t even aware of – Of an equation that is mostly involved with finding the missing “X” – HIS WIFE.
His life is a mathematical equation plagued with too much subtraction, addition and division of people he cared and love –
It was a long time ago that he fell in love, crashing down head first and was broken into pieces. I guess, he never really fully recovered. Too bad, he is still trying to retrieve his own scattered debris until now, in his dire attempt to make himself whole again.
And like HIM, I also await the moment when he can finally stand firm and tall.
Unfortunately, the one person who can complete him is gone – His WIFE has left him.
It happened a long time ago. Coming home from work one day, he saw his daughter and a son left in the care of the neighbors. SHE HAS LEFT HIM. Devastated by the loss, he tried looking for her but to no avail. He did find comfort with booze instead, drowning in his own woes everyday, indulging in the bliss of his own sorrow and living with his pain, thereby forgetting to take care of what’s left from the family he once shaped. Yes, he forgot about ME. About US. Painful as it is.
Eventually, he lost his job.
Yet, apart from all these, it was his agony that I have to live with. Haunting me forever.
Indeed, there are a lot of reasons to HATE HIM. But, it all outweighs the need to feel sorry for him too…
Being of the same flesh and blood, I chose the latter.
At an early age, I thought to myself, well at least he found his release, if only to ease him from his miseries. If that’s his way of coping or if that’s his way of letting go, then let it be. It will soon pass.
besides, I resolve not to become another “subtraction” from his already pathetic life…
Too bad, his WIFE chooses to –
and all this time, it was “SHE” that he can’t let go still still. MAMA.
As for me, I don’t have any memories of my mom at all and I don’t have any intention of digging for some. She reflects NOTHING. It’s like turning the mirror on the other side. She represents nothing or if there’s one, it would be – total blankness. I don’t even miss her, not ever. I just thought that she should be the one to blame, again, if there’s somebody who should. But then again, that’s another story.
As for PAPA, I never really could blame him for not letting go of his wife and yet, letting go of me. In my heart, I know he cared. He just has his own trouble to contend with and I can understand. After all, He is my own reflection. He molded me into what and who I am – good or bad, for that matter.
I STILL OWE HIM MY LIFE.
To this day, he has mellowed. Age and weariness tends to settle into him.
Lately, I can see much of the smile though what remained is a broken tooth brought about by age and the prominent lines reminiscent of the wasted years.
but still, boyishly handsome at that!
Can’t help saying –
“I LOVE him – IN SPITE OF.
AND WILL CONTINUE TO RESPECT HIM – DESPITE OF.”
Once again, I wake up to a sun-less sky — gray and sullen. the birds, lulled to sleep by the ominous stretch of heavy clouds, crouch frighteningly inside their nests; their chirping, drowned out by the silence of a mid-November morning.
it’s going to rain, I thought to myself.
The thought hovered above me, as if there was more to it than just a mere prediction. it would seem ironic almost by the time nighttime comes.
Living in a one-bedroom apartment with three other people can be suffocating at times. everything has to be shared — the bathroom, the bedroom, even the closet. The overwhelming need to breathe fresh air and run in free open space gets to you everytime. Thus, today, I willed myself to pull out of the squeaking bed and welcome the morning, dead as it is, with lifted spirits.
The “outside” seemed a little less threatening. at 7am, poor lost souls of early birds can be seen jogging along the sidewalk or just walking, maybe waiting for a glint of sunlight. i live by the city park. since childhood, it has been the only witness to all the cuts and bruises that i got, now painting my body in ugly scars. the park has been my refuge for solitude. everytime an argument erupts at home, I know i could always count on the empty greenery for companionship.
I trudged along my usual path — through the bald-ing grass, around the baseball field, to the benches. they were old wood benches; the white paint flaking off around the edges. however, it’s easy to notice how the paint on the seats never wore off. maybe people’s butts have polished it clean. everyone’s guess is as good as mine.
Today, I had company. an old 60-ish man sat on the bench facing the east. I stood there staring at him for a full one minute. I never had company this early. his head lifted towards the sky, he held up his right arm and motioned for me to sit with him. I did as i was asked, doubtful of his intentions. but then again, what can a 60-year-old grandpa do to harm me?
“I lost my grandson today,” he said.
I didn’t say anything his voice seemed burdened with speech and his eyes, sparkling with fresh unshod tears.
maybe it’s about to rain.
He continued to tell me how his grandson, an 8-year-old boy stricken with cancer, finally left them after 4 years of battling intensive chemotherapy. Just a few weeks before he died, his parents were evicted from their apartment for unpaid rent — three months rent. The family moved in with the grandpa, unable to find anywhere else to go and with little less than a few thousand bucks to spare. Six weeks the family endured hunger and sleepless nights just to hold their son another hour, another day, another week. Despite his will to live, the child couldn’t last a minute longer of pain. Until his last breath, he whispered a sweet goodbye to the family who never gave up on him.
I was dumbfounded. images of my parents arguing over financial problems, a brother pushing me to the end knot of my patience, friends who only want me to themselves. Mine were mundane trivialities compared to this man’s 4-year suffering. I looked at him, his head still waiting for that sun, and held his hand. slowly, he shifted his head towards me and gave me a grateful smile. he found what he was looking for, a listening ear — that was his sunshine.
I walk home with a boiling mixture of emotions. I was right. It did rain. A downpour of revelations about the endurance of a human spirit. I’m not sure whether things will change from now just because of a conversation. Maybe it will, who knows. and maybe, tomorrow, the sun will rise.